210714. mood : depressed(?).

finally i can blog again after so long... everyday , everytime , every night. when I'm alone , i tell myself that i don't want to act infront of the rest anymore. i don't want to act like I'm happy always when I'm not . I'm tired of being that happy or cheerful person among everyone and being taken for granted . even though i am cheerful , nobody likes me , they never will and that's that. i tell that to myself everyday, everytime, everysecond, everyminute. but when i see people , i see humans , everyone , every single one ... it just seems like my mask is on , it just seems like i can't take off that masks cause if i do , i would get judged even more . i thought being happy and cheerful could solve everything. people would appreciate it. but nobody seems to notice it. they only notice every single flaw i have. there is no good in me. it's like I'm better off dead and even if I'm dead , only my family members would cry pure tears for me and nobody else would. after watching 49days it made me realise that not everyone is who you actually think they are. those that truly and purely loves you might not be the ones always with and near you , they might just be watching you from a far , loving you , without you knowing. those that are near you might not be those that really loves you but might just be those acting to like you. i guess 49days is the first show that really made me thought so much about myself and my life. i guess my life is no different from Shin Ji Hyun's ...