My God's not dead. He's surely alive !!! He's living on the inside roaring like a lion~

091014

Too used to being alone & now im finally fine with being alone which i can't use to be. I use to hate being alone but now i like being alone. Im starting to hate being around people in crowded placed unless they are strangers. I prefer being with strangers than friends. I like meeting new people and i still do but i dont wanna acknowledge them as my "friend" so fast anymore lasttime , everyone i meet , they become my friend just in a split second and i trust everyone so easily. Looking back , i realise how dumb i am haha. And i also want to be able to forgive others on the spot like how some forgives me. Im still trying and i seem to be improving but just not to my brother so i wanna try and start forgiving him and not shooting and blaming him forvhis little mistakes. Its better to start now than never. "better yehet today than kkaebsong tomorrow" ❤️ i want to get out of this KPop world so bad. Its like im happy here but also hurt and upset here.

210714. mood : depressed(?).

finally i can blog again after so long... everyday , everytime , every night. when I'm alone , i tell myself that i don't want to act infront of the rest anymore. i don't want to act like I'm happy always when I'm not . I'm tired of being that happy or cheerful person among everyone and being taken for granted . even though i am cheerful , nobody likes me , they never will and that's that. i tell that to myself everyday, everytime, everysecond, everyminute. but when i see people , i see humans , everyone , every single one ... it just seems like my mask is on , it just seems like i can't take off that masks cause if i do , i would get judged even more . i thought being happy and cheerful could solve everything. people would appreciate it. but nobody seems to notice it. they only notice every single flaw i have. there is no good in me. it's like I'm better off dead and even if I'm dead , only my family members would cry pure tears for me and nobody else would. after watching 49days it made me realise that not everyone is who you actually think they are. those that truly and purely loves you might not be the ones always with and near you , they might just be watching you from a far , loving you , without you knowing. those that are near you might not be those that really loves you but might just be those acting to like you. i guess 49days is the first show that really made me thought so much about myself and my life. i guess my life is no different from Shin Ji Hyun's ...

i know you won't see this but if you do , I'm just saying and please ... ㅠㅠ...

Everybody doesn't know i even have an older brother ... Why ? Because he always hangs out with his friends and forgets his family . Does he even still remember our existance ? Very family photo we took , everyone was present except for him , every rare family bonding we get , everyone would be there except for him too. Everytime when the whole family was at home and sitting around in the living room , he is there in the room facing the laptop... Was there even once when the word family came cross his mind ? does he even treat and remember me as his sister ? When can we ever have a proper family photo together again ? I miss those times when my whole family would be there doing stuffs and enjoying together without missing anyone out... When can there ever be that time again ? Why does it seem like the older you grow , the further you drift from your parents , your family , your siblings ... It's like they don't care anymore , it's like you don't care anymore ... When will you ever realise how much every single one of us just wants one time when the whole family an be together . like that day when mum asked you to come along to our Aunt's house but you said you wanna go out with your friends instead cause it is going to be boring there ... Do you even know that she asked you that because she just wanna spend some time with you , even to look at your face or to talk to you face to face. I feel her as i know how much and how hard it is to even see you each day.. All you know of is your friends ... Can't you treat your family members like your friends for once , bro ? ...

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I wish that I would not have to survive a life like this. It's no difference from having no life . I life is so weird ... Yeah i love my family members , so thank God for that but the others around me .. They just screed my life up. I have to learn to love and forgive but it is hard & tough. "Forgiveness is Costly" amen. sigh i don't know what and how i mean like why. Haha i just don't and can't seem to find anybody trustable now.. Why does everyone seem to support those who hates me.