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he's the first person I feel safest telling my life , mood , thoughts , feelings and all to. maybe cause he doesn't know my circle of friends ? I don't know... but it just feels like he's the safest to keep my secrets with.

ㅠㅠscrewed up lifeㅠㅠ

i am not ashamed of coming from a poor family , but all I want is just more money. everything needs money nowadays , tickets to convert , tickets to overseas , food , everything. all because of money , I am unable to do things that I want. yes , many times I hate myself for being born in this kind of family condition , but i never once hated myself for having my parents. I know what they go through and all just to bring me up and I appreciate them a lot but all I ask for is for them to have more cash , more money . everyone of my friends are bragging about being able to go to all concerts and being able to go overseas as and when they can and having all those branded stuffs. I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT BRANDED THINGS LIKE WHY DO U EVEN NEED IT , not like you can marry or eat it or not like it can cheer U up and fan service you or whatever shit. I just want a better life. yes my life is good now and I really thank God for putting me in this family but i just ask for more excess cash , life is getting tougher each day. more and more financial problems starts coming. i see my parents working their asses off everyday but the amount of money we have never seems to increase. I wish for brothers who knows how to save, why do people need to eat expensive food like buffets ? wtf once in a life time not enough? I really hate myself FUCKING HATE MYSELF. WHY DO I ALWAYS WANT TO GO CONCERTS ?! Though I've only been to two but tbh it's not "ONLY" coz wtf all the money I earned through working and my parents and god-parents working , all gone to waste just like that. BTS IS COMING TO SG AND NOW I FUCKING WANNA GO CAUSE I CAN MEET AND TALK TO THEM , so much more worth it but wtf ? I don't even have the money anymore. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A LITTLE MORE BETTER LIFE ? WHY CAN'T I HAVE JUST THAT ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING I WANT LIKE MY OTHER FRIENDS ? WHY ARE THEY ALL SO GOOD LIFE AND IM HERE LIKE A FREAKING SCREWED UP KID ? WHY IS LIFE SO FCUKING EVIL ? GAHGAHAGSISGKSBSLAHAGIA URGH AND OTHER THAN BLOGGING I HAVE NO WHERE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS. FINALLY. BLOG.

141014

remember how you would messsage me when just one day , i dont text you ? when you would ask me if anything is wrong ? I want those times back... If only it was possible... I want someone who would care. Someone who actually loves me. Why is it so hard to find just one ? 2014... Such a wreck & screw up life for me. 3 days later is maths paper 1. Sigh screw this life. I wish i can get out of the KPop World i bet it'll lessen my pain right.

My God's not dead. He's surely alive !!! He's living on the inside roaring like a lion~

091014

Too used to being alone & now im finally fine with being alone which i can't use to be. I use to hate being alone but now i like being alone. Im starting to hate being around people in crowded placed unless they are strangers. I prefer being with strangers than friends. I like meeting new people and i still do but i dont wanna acknowledge them as my "friend" so fast anymore lasttime , everyone i meet , they become my friend just in a split second and i trust everyone so easily. Looking back , i realise how dumb i am haha. And i also want to be able to forgive others on the spot like how some forgives me. Im still trying and i seem to be improving but just not to my brother so i wanna try and start forgiving him and not shooting and blaming him forvhis little mistakes. Its better to start now than never. "better yehet today than kkaebsong tomorrow" ❤️ i want to get out of this KPop world so bad. Its like im happy here but also hurt and upset here.

210714. mood : depressed(?).

finally i can blog again after so long... everyday , everytime , every night. when I'm alone , i tell myself that i don't want to act infront of the rest anymore. i don't want to act like I'm happy always when I'm not . I'm tired of being that happy or cheerful person among everyone and being taken for granted . even though i am cheerful , nobody likes me , they never will and that's that. i tell that to myself everyday, everytime, everysecond, everyminute. but when i see people , i see humans , everyone , every single one ... it just seems like my mask is on , it just seems like i can't take off that masks cause if i do , i would get judged even more . i thought being happy and cheerful could solve everything. people would appreciate it. but nobody seems to notice it. they only notice every single flaw i have. there is no good in me. it's like I'm better off dead and even if I'm dead , only my family members would cry pure tears for me and nobody else would. after watching 49days it made me realise that not everyone is who you actually think they are. those that truly and purely loves you might not be the ones always with and near you , they might just be watching you from a far , loving you , without you knowing. those that are near you might not be those that really loves you but might just be those acting to like you. i guess 49days is the first show that really made me thought so much about myself and my life. i guess my life is no different from Shin Ji Hyun's ...

i know you won't see this but if you do , I'm just saying and please ... ㅠㅠ...

Everybody doesn't know i even have an older brother ... Why ? Because he always hangs out with his friends and forgets his family . Does he even still remember our existance ? Very family photo we took , everyone was present except for him , every rare family bonding we get , everyone would be there except for him too. Everytime when the whole family was at home and sitting around in the living room , he is there in the room facing the laptop... Was there even once when the word family came cross his mind ? does he even treat and remember me as his sister ? When can we ever have a proper family photo together again ? I miss those times when my whole family would be there doing stuffs and enjoying together without missing anyone out... When can there ever be that time again ? Why does it seem like the older you grow , the further you drift from your parents , your family , your siblings ... It's like they don't care anymore , it's like you don't care anymore ... When will you ever realise how much every single one of us just wants one time when the whole family an be together . like that day when mum asked you to come along to our Aunt's house but you said you wanna go out with your friends instead cause it is going to be boring there ... Do you even know that she asked you that because she just wanna spend some time with you , even to look at your face or to talk to you face to face. I feel her as i know how much and how hard it is to even see you each day.. All you know of is your friends ... Can't you treat your family members like your friends for once , bro ? ...

----

I wish that I would not have to survive a life like this. It's no difference from having no life . I life is so weird ... Yeah i love my family members , so thank God for that but the others around me .. They just screed my life up. I have to learn to love and forgive but it is hard & tough. "Forgiveness is Costly" amen. sigh i don't know what and how i mean like why. Haha i just don't and can't seem to find anybody trustable now.. Why does everyone seem to support those who hates me.

140414.

What's the point. No one is even trustable in this world . Nobody is even there for me to talk to . I just hate life so much i wanna get out of this place right now. I'm stupid , ok I'm stupid , I'm dumb , I'm idiotic , I'm ugly , I'm retarded , I'm dumb , I'm hopeless , I never do anything right . I'm not being attention seeker anyways . Nobody would even read it. So why bother.

130414

i don't feel wanted . i don't feel loved . i have no one to turn to , i don't trust anyone . life is just like another piece of shiat.

-

I wish i can change country. Change school . Change friends . Change life. Change my spiritual status . I wish i can love like how God loves . I wish i can forgive like how God forgives . I wish i can live life to the fullest with God but i don't know . I don't know how to desire . I don't know how to love God . I don't know anything.

Lyrics that are like totally linked to my life.

My Wish - Lena Park ; The Heirs OST. "Smile brightly, don’t worry about me I’m smiling like this right now I won’t be able to forget, I’ll be the only one who remembers us I won’t forget you, so go ahead and smile Smile brightly, I’m just thankful Because I have memories with you I can hide them and take them out when I’m alone It will strengthen me when I miss you Only with my heart, I steal you Only with my heart, I will hug you That’s enough for me so don’t hurt because of me Just locking eyes with you makes me shed tears When time passes and our love grows There will be times when I resent you so it’s a relief Because I will remember you being affectionate and the days when you hugged me So it’s good Only with my heart, I steal you Only with my heart, I will hug you That’s enough for me so don’t hurt because of me Just locking eyes with you makes me shed tears If we run into each other like fate, please pass me by like you don’t know me Even though my heart will cry like it has been torn into two So I can see you for a short moment while you pass by Only with my heart, I will want you Only with my heart, I will kiss you Don’t be sorry, this is my life Whether you love me or feel sorry, I feel the same way " ... I can link my life with 3/4 or more of the lyrics. The only 1/4 is the part "the days when you hugged me" haha other than that the rest is all so link able and all. Sigh...

040314x11:08PMx

He doesn't know . Everytime I'm sad , he doesn't know . He only knows when I'm happy . Or perhaps sometimes when I'm happy , he doesn't know too . He doesn't know anything about me . He can't see through my fake smiles , fake texts . He can't see my sorrows . He doesn't realise things about me until people asks me if I'm ok . He doesn't realise anything bout me until someone said smth . He won't realise and he doesn't realise and it seems like he never will and he never knows . It seems like he doesn't like me at all. Yes he don't . Why does it just feel like he gives me false hopes or was it just me ... I guess it's just me ...

This moment. 040314.

That period of time where you just want to shut the doors on everyone and just cry it all out alone in your own room. That moment when you just don't want to text anyone . That moment where you feel like you're annoying to everyone . That moment when you just break down when someone just stop replying you. That moment when you just feel like picking up something sharp and your wrist starts calling out your name. If only i can just take up any sharp material now but i can't . I want to stop cutting yes i said i would it's so tempting all i could only do is to cry it all out . I want to shout so badly.

130214'muahhs(?) ESSLZLTL OHWELLSPAMSANDALL.

Yeap just look at her face , so much better than me , just look at her obviously you would choose her over me , just choose her i know it would never be me . Her attitude sucks but I'm in no position to judge i won't be able to say that my attitude is better but i think it's much better than hers but whatever . Yes she's more prettier and better and all so go ahead , whoever you choose i will just congratulate you , tmr's 1402 but i doubt u would even text me HAAH sure whatever unless it's in that group yeah. Whatever then. I shall just act like i don't care and spend the whole 1402 not texting you for once. Sucks uh but whatever , unless you start it , i wont. Then I'm just gonna ignore you and spend my 14014 going like ERICISSOHANDSOMEIMDYING. Okay i can't wait for Monday to come but that would probably be the last time I'm able to see Eric haha oh well i admire him Muacks HAHA ok I'll SHUTUP HAHA okay happy advance valentines' day everyone ! (; i and so awesome -winkwink- CSS YB is still with me time to stalk more haha jk there's only 2 photos sighs. Ok bye enjoy your civil defence day celebration tmr and valentines day tmr winkssss. Muaahhbyesx. and last day of tournament today for B Div le it's ok i had fun but i still hate BWSS a lot sighs. Last tournament for C boys next week i think B boys too sigh c boys and he's so cute there OMG like 老牛吃人潮(?) sighs my Chinese not good sighs I'm so sad but AHHH so cute ok hahaha byes.

100214'

"Why do i keep running from the truth , all i ever think about is you . You got me hypnotise so mesmerise and i just got to know . Do you ever think when you're all alone . Am i crazy or falling in love ? Is it really just another crush ? Do you catch a breath when i look at you , are you holding back like the way i do ? Cause i try and try to walk away but i know this crush ain't going away." When you see me do you even think of saying hi to me ? I doubt so. When you talk to other girls , have you even thought about how i would feel ? If I told you i am jealous , would you have even stopped ? When you text other girls , will you even remember to text me ? We're just friend but is there more ? It's just like I'm invisible to you , everytime texting and spamming you with texts but i get no replies or perhaps just a few . I'm tired of trying but why can't i just give up , everytime i look at you it just makes me break down deep inside. I'm tired of texting you and not getting any replies , I'm tired of being happy , I'm tired of trying , I'm tired of life , I'm tired of acting happy , I'm tired of hiding my sadness , I'm tired of not having anyone who cares , I'm tired of having FAKE people who cares , I'm also tired of you and I'm tired of everyone , tired of pleasing all of you , I'm tired of not pleasing God. I'm tired. "They say have courage and I'm trying to" but I've tried enough. I really want to stop trying and stop getting hurt. Just looking at the schools and choices i am able to choose in the future , i just feel like breaking down cause i know that we will never meet again and we will never be meant for each other. I guess this is 'first love'. Everyone says that 'first love' doesn't work. Seems like it too. A crush that lasted for more than 3 years is considered a love right. Moving on seems easy but doing it is hard . #giveup #moveon #tough #sighs #breakingdown but nobody even cares. And today had to umpire 3 single NZ matches for CBoys cocked up at the starting of the second match and was super scared it thank God i prayed for his help and he helped me and the other half of the match went out perfectly muacks.

150114. all alone.

i guess right now there's only one person who knows me best ? even though he is not the one i like but he is really someone whom i can turn to like the only one i can turn to right now . though i only knew him for like less than half a year , i told him so much & we exchange our experiences and life happenings to each other. i have many friends but it feel no different from having no friends. no one seems to come and ask me how my life is , no one seems to even care. someone who I knew less than 2months showed more care than the rest . what's the point of having friends who always say they are here for you when all i feel is sorrow and pain . it's just like i feel like crying everytime i start thinking about my life. i just don't get how many times in life have i been left alone hopeless , crying while going home . i hate going home alone but i just have to do that all the time . after cca , after school , after everything . many times even having to go to school alone. Nobody have any idea how much i hate being alone or how much i hate the word ALONE except for someone whom i only know for 1months and 9days ? well , it is such a joke. i mean , I'm not posting this because i want to post about him or stuffs but isn't it so pathetic how friends who actually even stayed by your side all these whole are not the one who actually cares ? i wanna break down so badly but i need to control and hold it in . i can't break down at home & not even in public or anywhere. I'm just holding it in and the bottle in my heart just kept adding in all my sorrows. i use to rant out everything and all my sorrows but it's like I'm starting to bottle up everything and have no one to turn to. such a pathetic life which no one even bothers knowing. I'm glad God at least place that one person with me but he is gonna leave me in like May ? i hope i will succeed in the challenge he gave me. i really hope i won't feel alone everytime but it just seems like it's not gonna happen . why does it just seems like i have no friends when i actually have ? why is my life even planned in this manner ? Nobody even cares or bother and it's all just like I'm invisible.

ermmmmwhaaaaaat(?)

knowing that you won't like me , why am i still trying ? i just can't seem to give up. I know you won't like me & i guess you won't too. I'm not even trying from the start , i won't even tell you too. i know it's been more than 3 years but because of this long period of them , i just fell more into you. LOL OH SO CHEESY but not as cheesy as that two Gabby. but well will we end up like the two Gabbys (?) such loving couples who broke but patch and all cause of their fated love haha loving each other for as long as i loved you. yes i just have that feeling that you don't love me and all but i just hope it is wrong. thank you for being so kind and sweet to me all this while. now that you left , you still said you would be here but the fact is still that you left. i just hope even though you left , you would still be here with me and by fate we would meet again , by fate we would be together someday . I will be waiting for that day i guess . thank you for all the advices you gave me , I will never forget . thank you for all the memories , laugh and happiness you have given me , it is just more than enough. theend. #yayirocks(?) ok nights peoples .

130114.

after getting hurt a these times and all these years . i tried to forgive and forget , yes i did forgive but i did not forget . because of my forgiveness i got taken for granted. yes you guys said you are my friends but even when I have friends , i just feel like i have none. i just feel like having friends is not any different from having no friends. what is the point of having a friend who actually treat you for granted . what is the point of having a friend who goes out with someone you hate instead of you but infront of you he/she acts like an angel ? what's the point of having a friend when you have no one to go with when you feel alone ? what's the point of having that friend who just abandons you and still acts like an angel in front of u but she's actually just so two-faced ? i don't actually mean anything but why not just tell me that u at her be her friend than mine ? why not just directly tell me and not say it behind my back ? you guys have hurt me enough and i tolerate it enough. i already kept wary of you creatures but why are you guys still stabbing me , leaving me alone is bad enough but acting and putting up a fake front is even worse . just typing this makes me wanna cry. why do i even have such terrible life and such terrible friends . there are like only 2 true friends ? those good ones are around me indeed but those bad ones are actually those that i actually trusted and told everything to. wow just wow . thank you so much. It's just like there's no point of staying i just wish i can get out of this place and go to a place where I can meet true people all just true .. ALL... it is just so hard to just stay in such a place .

WaitingForLove. 120114 oh and it's happykyungsooday i love you DoDyo ❤️ (Ps. my post have nothing to do with Dyo but yaloveloves)

just watched 'Waiting For Love' on KBS-World. it was seriously such a nice show that i cried. it reminded me of my past & my present as well . it made me believe more that love & fate really has link. without fate , your love is not fated and it won't be true or happy . but with fate , your love is fated and even though both of you have many quarrels & obstacles , fate will still bring the both of you together and love again. yeonae just reminded me of my past where i abandoned a guy cause i had no feelings for him. though I'm not like yeonae's past , the past who have a lot of boyfriends , i had none but i had one guy who i know likes me and i liked him back but we weren't together . yes , like yeonae , i know that the guy really puts me as his first place in his heart but he is not my first place anymore. it is all the past but after that show it just made me recall of it. yes , i know i May had been heartless but i know that I was totally in the same position as yeonae , i like another guy . the guy who had been in my heart for 3years and still counting . it's like he never left. even though he left the school and we rarely text , i just think i should believe in fate if we are to be , we will meet again. just like what he said people come and go , friends come and go . yes , that's totally true but with fate , if we are fated no matter how far we are apart , fate will bring us back together. i shall just leave it to fate & God even though i know it's really a tough choice to make for me . i just don't know if i should even like you in the first place , i don't even know if I'm in the right position to , i don't even know if i can . i guess i shall just wait & wait till the day where i even can feel true love . the love which i had always been longing for . I will just be waiting for love , waiting for the day.